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| I'd say I'm pretty overdue on a xanga entry.
It's weird, because I feel like writing a never-ending journal entry, but I don't even know what I want to write...which is strange, considering how much I've been feeling lately, and I've been feeling so much of every emotion at different times. One second, I'll be totally peaceful (now), the next I'll feel productive, the next I want to curb stomp some bitches, the next I'm weird and depressed, and the list goes on. I am sure about one thing, though...and it's that I cannot WAIT for summer. Although, I suppose any kid in the state of Ohio probably feels the same. But, I don't know. It's like this summer specifically...there's just something I feel about it. I think it'll be really good, regardless of how fast it flies by.
It's weird. It's sort of like...my last summer. After next year, I'll be a senior...and of course I've been blessed with a father who's all about college college college! Which is fine, but sometimes, I really just don't care about it all. And then after college, it's "life"...even though I really hate when people say that. It's like saying I haven't experienced life for the past 20-some years. As if I've been hibernating in a dream or something, and I finally wake up, and reality begins to kick in. But, whatever. So, I should probably soak up as much carefree summer sun as I possibly can, this year.
And I just realized that I started both of those paragraphs with "it's weird"... I guess my life is just weird or something. Today was a good day, though. Except for being crabby for the first like, 2 and a half periods of the day...oh, and Kalka's class...which always sucks ass and is a solid waste of my life, but today especially sucked. Basically, he thought I was cheating on my test, because I had my packet beneath my test (and, honest to God, I didn't get even a single answer off of that packet), which I don't even know how he even saw it sitting under my test, but whatever...and he took it from me, and now I have a fat zero on the test...which means my grade will suck now, thanks to Brunswick's 90/10 bullshit. And you know what pisses me off most? Well, for one, he was a dick about how he handled the situation...but, I do ALL of my work in that class, and not to mention the fact that Chrissa and Luke (who I sit next to) copy off my shit every single goddamn day...and he knows it...and yet they'll never see any punishment for it...and me, who actually does what I'm supposed to, just happened to have my packet beneath my test, and I get practically condemned because of it. I mean, I couldn't put my packet back with the rest of my stuff halfway through the test, because I knew if he would've saw me put it back, he would have questioned why I had my packet out for the whole time that I did...so, I was just hoping for the best. And, I'm not gonna lie...I thought about cheating...but, the fact is, I didn't. And I know it sounds dumb to get heated about, but it really does matter to me. It felt pretty good to get a report card with a 3.7gpa on it...and actually have my dad be truly proud about my grades...and if I'm getting straight up zeros on tests, I can just say goodbye to that. And it sucks even more that I only had two questions left to finish. But, whatever. I talked to him after class...and he was still a little pewpy about it all...but, there's a small chance he'll let me retake it. He said he sort of believed me. So, yeah. I'm praying...
Anyways...new subject. I should be venturing off to Kent, tomorrow...which I'm more than excited about. It just better not rain. I'll be pissed. Because my mom doesn't want me driving all that way in a downpour. But, she'll just have to deal =)
And just for a random side note...life is so...lifelike, lately. Every possible thing just seems to be happening, lately...literally. I've been thinking, and I realized how much I've actually experienced in my life...and even more in the last couple years. And that probably sounds cliche', but I have seriously been from one end to the complete other, day in and day out. And I don't really think that anyone my age could honestly say that they understand what it's like, because honestly, my life just seems different than everyone else's. I feel that people will never be able to appreciate some of the things I appreciate, or despise the things I hate, and why I hate them so much, even after explaining the best I can to people why I can't stand those things...and visa versa for the good things. Or why I like to do/try the random shit that I do. And I wish they could. I wish I could place my memory on some chip that I could stick into people's brains, and they could see and understand what I see. It's kind of like trying to explain a dream to someone...no matter how absolutely perfect you visually describe it, they will never ever depict what your mind sees...and I'm sure we've all been in that frustrating situation at some point in our lives.
It'll be interesting to see where life takes me in the next year. 'Twill be crazy.
But, yes. I'm relatively tired, and I have a pretty descent amount of things to do, tomorrow. So, that concludes this xanga entry full of marvelous wonders.
Goodnight.
Love,
Kayla Turk.
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| I'm not running away
Been fighting this so long
Such a price that we pay
We gotta be so strong
And I take my life, tonight
'Cause I have the right to die how I wanna
And leave how I arrived
So alive
I've lived in Brunswick for almost half of my life, now.
That's fucked up.
And I need to start skateboarding every day, again.
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| Currently listening to: Nightwish - Eva
Eva flies away
Dreams the world far away
In this cruel children's game
There's no friend to call her name
Eva sails away
Dreams the world far away
The Good in her will be my sunflower field
Can you please just fucking chill out? Why do you always have to ruin every becoming-rare good moment by getting pissed at me for doing nothing wrong? I've been at the point, lately, where I dread talking to you...even seeing you, or even merely knowing you're around...and believe me - I hate admitting that. I feel so guilty for saying it, but you've created these bitter emotions in me, and I can't help but feel any different. It's sad to think that I hardly know you, anymore...especially knowing that there's a potential for a great relationship that you, for some reason, refuse to offer.
Oh, and PLEASE stop putting on this phony, disgusting act that you're always around for me and you "miss me and love me so much." Fuck you. Then why do you run off and do other things when we finally have some time, together? You've put so many priorities before me...and, yes...I know that if something where to happen, your instincts would send you to me as fast as light - but, why wait for that to happen? If you were to be put in that situation, would you rather be able to say that you've always been here for me, and that you spent as much time with me as possible...or would you rather, for the rest of your life, have to dwell on the fact that you never actually were here for me, and that all of that time is now lost forever. And, yes...I'll openly admit that I'm not jumping through hoops to see you every second of my life, but you haven't been offering me anything of interest. It's just nothing but bullshit, anymore...and why deal with that? I'm sick of you igniting every flame of rage that burns inside of me. My veins are like the dusty lines that all lead up to stick of dynamite - my heart - which eventually explodes into a million scattered pieces, and I'm fucking sick of it!
Just...let go of all that crap...please! It's destroyed you more than you even know. Hopefully, you'll realize that in time. Unfortunately, that time doesn't seem to be approaching anytime, soon. It depends on way too many different things...but that one specific thing has made you unbearably greedy and different.
You know...I pray for you every night. Please let God save you.
Love,
Your corrupted creation
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| Currently listening to: Avenged Sevenfold - Afterlife
Scream, scream, scream!
The way you would if I ravaged your body
Scream, scream, scream!
The way you would if I ravaged you mind
FUCK YOU. Stop getting pissed at me for things I don't do! It's
driving me to fucking insanity, and I'm about to have a fucking breakdown. And since you were such a dick to me, I just cleaned the house for
you. Hope you appreciate it...but, you'll probably just tell me I missed a
spot, or "it's about time," even though the basement was only a mess for about a day
because I was up late the previous night finishing a project - which you also bitched at me for, for staying up
late doing it. But, funny how you emphasize so much how school is
supposed to be my life, and then I make it my life, and you yell at me
for it! Sorry I want to do good on my projects. So sorry.
Goddamnit! Who are you, anymore?!
Love,
A raging soul
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